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Porn Dude reviews the best porn sites of 2019

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Updated on 22 March 2019
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Erotic Massage Sites

I want sexual relief with full body sex massages from local and exotic Asian girls with happy ending!

My grandfather hated the Internet, and he died an angry, angry man. The mortician said his testicles had swollen up to grapefruit size because he been so horny for so long with so very little relief. The mean old fuck could have lived his twilight years in bliss if he’d given in to the lure of technology. This simple list below would have been all he needed to drain those balls from time to time, or even every night if he wanted to.

Yes sir, there’s never been a more magical time to be a pervert. I bet you’re wondering how people even found things like this before the World Wide Web; how did anyone know when a massage parlor was more than just a massage parlor? It used to require keeping your ear low to the street and maybe digging in the dirt a little, but all you pencil-necked geeks these days can’t seem to track down sex work outside of Grand Theft Auto.

My list makes it easy. Choose in erotic massage site, pick your favorite erotic masseuse or agency, arrange your “massage” and then go do the damn thing. It sure as hell beats the old system of whipping your dick out at the massage parlor and hoping the police don’t come.

What kind of erotic massages can I choose?

Wouldn’t that be a real bitch if I pointed you at a massage site and they really only gave back rubs, never a single handjob? Don’t worry. Your old pal The Porn Dude would never do you like that. Besides, look at all those hot Asian chicks on the sites waiting to give you a rubdown. Do you think they need the porn star good looks and the sheer tops just to work that knot out of your shoulder?

The better erotic massage sites always list the services, although sometimes you may need to consult their glossary of secret codes to figure out what it is you are about to purchase. It’s just a little legal loophole to keep everyone out of trouble, not a serious impediment to you getting your cock wet and your salad tossed. If nothing else, you can see if the chick is willing to do incalls or outcalls.

What’s the price of the service in a massage parlor?

Honestly, the biggest factor is going to be where you’re trying to get your happy ending. You may be looking for a handjob from a little Chinese MILF, but she probably takes big American dollars. A light tug in San Francisco is probably going to cost you as much as the full-service treatment in some backwoods shit hole in Indiana. Higher cost of living, you know?

The better erotic massage sites do list prices, in which case you can get a better feel for how much you’re going to end up spending. Don’t be a total fucking cheap ass and remember to tip the girls! They are much more likely to accept the whole thing that way.

Can I get more than just a handjob?

Christ on a goddamn cracker, have you even been reading? Everybody is familiar with the old happy ending, but it’s far from the only thing on the menu. Depending on the girl or the agency you choose, you can have full penetration of multiple orifices, multiple masseuses massaging you at once, or you can do some kinky fetish/BDSM shit that will certainly cost extra but your wife never has to find out what you’re into.

Always be clear about what you want when you’re setting up your appointment. If all she agreed to was a deep tissue massage of your groin, she might get a little pissed off when you try to stick it in her butt. Likewise, don’t ever try to pee on a paid babe who doesn’t take golden showers. And always remember, money opens more doors and twats than even the biggest of the BBCs.

Is it legal to pay for this kind of service?

Of course it is! Massage is mainstream as hell. My mom and my sister go get massages together almost every week. It’s wholesome.

Then again, you don’t know my family. Mommy and sis use this list. The practitioners and establishments listed here ain’t exactly those brightly lit locales at the shopping center next to the grocery store.
Look, I don’t know all the laws and regulations around you. I’m a Porn Dude, not a respected legal scholar. Unless you’re some kind of fucking retard, you will definitely notice a lot of cover-your-ass legalese on these websites. Sure, paying for a manual penis cleaning is perfectly legal in some places, but in most it’s at least some kind of gray area legally. You probably already know whether or not this shit is going to fly in your town, so it’s up to you to be careful.

I’m not saying you should risk getting beheaded by the Taliban over a cheap Korean blowjob, but millions of dudes pay for sex around the world without any serious repercussions. Don’t be a dumbass and you’ll be just fine, and you’ll get off, too.

What are the best erotic massage sites in :year?

With all the bullshit about #MeToo and the Junior Anti-Sex League getting all crazy banning revenge porn, it’s been a rough time for adult websites recently. Erotic massage sites were already operating in a fuzzy legal area, and now they are struggling to stay one step ahead so they don’t get shut down. You, unfortunately, don’t have nearly as many options as I’d like to find your local Asian massage parlors.

I’m a big fan of RubMaps, which always had a fine selection of Thai and Filipina babes in my city who I wouldn’t have found otherwise. I just tried to look up the site, though, and it’s not loading. Hopefully, it comes back online and The Man hasn’t shut it down and seized the domain, but we’ll see. In the meantime, I’ll use another favorite, RubRatings.

How do I become a professional masseuse?

According to Google, you need to complete about a thousand hours of training and complete a massage therapy education program in order to work as a massage therapist. This can take anywhere from weeks to years, which means only the most dedicated of aspiring penis strokers ever make it.

Oh, were you asking about becoming an erotic masseuse? I think that’s a little different. I know that a lot of the Asian and Euro girls who travel overseas to get into the business are already well-versed in the erotic arts. Anybody can post a listing on one of these erotic massage sites, though, so really the only barrier is your willingness to touch a strange man all over his body, particularly his turgid genitals.

PornDude, holy shit! A girl is going to touch my virgin dick for the first time! Self-service is over, baby!

It’s exciting, right? You never forget the first one, but I genuinely hope you reach the point where all the rest of them just sort of blur together in one big orgy that you call life. That’s pretty much how I live these days, and while I’m quickly burning through my inheritance, I know I’ll die with a big smile on my face and an Asian hand wrapped around my hard penis in my favorite erotic massage parlor.

These erotic massage sites have a really precarious existence on the web. I say that about all my favorite sex sites, but people really are gunning for these bad boys. Make sure you bookmark this page and visit often, because it’s just a matter of time until your favorite massage directory gets taken down and something bigger and better replaces it.